"classy as fuck"

The Picture has of course nothing to do with this ad. You really gotta love a guy who knows what he wants.

Portrait in front of potted plant (Salt Lake City)
Date: 2010-04-29, 10:05AM MDT
Reply to: gigs-jwjs8-1716147303@craigslist.org

I feel that to top off my college career, I should have one of those classy as shit portraits done of me in front of a potted plant. I don't own any plants, so it would be preferable if you have one or can paint one from memory. But I don't know who memorizes potted plants. Anyways, this thing needs to be all Gordon S. Monson up in that painting. I need to look classy as fuck. So if you know how to paint "classy", you and I have a future in this job.

I dunno what to pay you, just give me a quote. This bitch will be going up in my front hallway, so plenty of important people in suits with blackberrys and secretaries who blow them will be seeing it. As such, I will pay well for the work.

Also, it doesn't hurt if you know how to do that thing where dudes look like they are just straight mother fucking businessmen, maybe I should be wearing glasses or have a leather portfolio under my arm. You know what I mean.

* Location: Salt Lake City

Perfect for a Friday beat

This just came on my iPod and the Lurker decided to share it with you. Enjoy the Friday geeks

HOLY ATLAS BATMAN!!!!!

I am not sure why I am so fascintaed with this site but it is so damn cool. It is a collection of comicbook panels showing maps or instructions of some sort. They are all so brilliantly campy.

Check it out here. 

An improvement over slip and slide

A friend was talking about the old Silent Library game video. One of the best ever. Here is something in the same style of strangeness. It an older guy greased up and trying to slide along an aisle of women in bikinis. If you get bored flip around becasue there is a lot more. Asian TV just gets better and better.

Help this person get his bite back

If you like this try the new Facebook Like button at the bottom of the post. 

I need my dentures back please! - $1 (Memphis, TN)
Date: 2010-04-27, 12:19PM CDT
Reply to: sale-qfkna-1712871360@craigslist.org 

I left my Dentures in your Honda Accord last night . I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me asap. I need my teeth. We met in the bar of the Mexican restaurant. Get back to me asap please. I have a picture of them below. Thank you.

901-849-5000

Please hurry!

* Location: Memphis, TN

Crayola thanks the teabaggers

This video was taken down on youtube quick as a teapartier could say Socialism. Now watch it here. It's a great spoof. 

Crayola Thanks the Tea Partiers - watch more funny videos

Eighties day cuz I said so

Dear Lurkerites,

Today is eighties day. The main reason is that the Lurker heard Hungry Like the Wolf come up on shuffle and so I proclaim, with my powers as the Internet Lurker, today is eighties day. Grab your short shorts and long ass striped socks and get out there. Maybe a sweat band or two would help as well.

Your Rad friend,

The Internet Lurker

To begin I give you a horrendous video. Don't give too soon. Trust the Lurker. Has he ever steered you wrong?

Next on crap....er...eighties day is a guy from the Eastenders. He looks like a very young Jay Leno.

Here is a site talking about the worst fashion trends of the eighties. I believe they missed the ultimate worst. Do you remember the clothes that changed color depending on your heat? Hypercolor I think the name was. If you don't know why this would be bad just think of the parts of a hormonal teenager that would heat up first. Yes pants were a brilliant idea!! Truthfully the trend took over more in the very early nineties but they were first released in 1988.

The Lurker could go on and on about the worst and best decade but I only have so much time so to end this I give you a classic commercial.

Leave some of your worst 80 memories in the comment section or on Facebook.

Another in the long line of Best headlines ever

Man cleared of weighing penis on fruit and veg scales

Read the story here

This guy seems good

Maybe The Lurker will go in for an ear enlargement.

ewwwwwwww! Why would he want it back?

philadelphia craigslist> personals> missed connections
You stuck my flash drive in your vagina - m4w - 25 (philadelphia)
Date: 2010-04-20, 3:04PM EDT

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.

1. We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…
   
2. We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.
   
3. You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:
   
4. You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.
   
5. The flash drive pops out.
   
6. You look at it.
   
7. You squat a little bit.
   
8. You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.
   
9. I am speechless.
   
10. You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.
    
11. I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.
    
12. Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.
    
13. Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.
    

To all Lurkerites

A big sorry for letting all of you down recently. I am sure your productivity has gone way up. All last week I didn't once lurk on the net. I instead sat with phlegm and mucus on my couch with my kitties while Mrs. Lurker brought me soothing relief with food and drink. I plan, if my health holds up and the coughing stops for a bit, to give you a big update to slow you down. The Lurker thought the pic was fitting because I felt like walking death. 

Sincerely,

The Lurker

No plans this weekend?

Come on by the MIT flea market and say hi to the Lurker. It is the sum of all things geeky for sale. However some tables do have free stuff like equipment but the best one is the free advice table. They give the best advice on almost any subject. If you do stop by the Lurker will be inside the garage. Click here for all the info you need. 

Photo from this site

Welcome to Penis Day

Why is it penis day you ask? The Lurker has no idea. It all started with that picture of Jesus and then the toy. So today is penis Friday. enjoy.

Somedays you just need a theme. I know I missed the real Penis Day on March 15th in Japan. 

wiggling it around

This is a voted rep of NH. 

Golden showers play toy

Bad timing

Sometimes art makes mistakes. Check the new Jesus. Click here for the whole story. 

What the hell is that?

jersey shore craigslist > for sale / wanted > auto parts

civic carbon fiber intake - $125 (hazlet,nj)
Date: 2010-04-01, 10:28AM EDT
Reply to: see below

carbon fiber whale penis intake for sale price is 125 or best offer reason why im selling is becuz i need the money and since my motor is getting rebuilt at the time i really dont need it that bad right now call joey at 908 596 1149

* Location: hazlet,nj

eBay Auctions from the Lurker

Anyone need some Dungeons and Dragons books and Modules or some WWE Wrestlers? 

Give them a click if you want to pass them on to someone who would cherish these items. 

I laughed for a while on this one

columbus craigslist> personals> missed connections

Dear Arena Crossings Neighbor (Arena Crossings Elevator at 3:00AM )
Date: 2010-03-16, 11:15PM EDT
Reply To This Post

Dear Comatose Neighbor:

Yesterday morning (March 16) the elevator door opened and we were greeted by your contorted body. You scared my wife half to death.

She tried to wake you up. I told her she wouldn't succeed. Instead I took pictures and videoed you slumbering on the freight elevator floor. Thank you for the fun story we were able to tell our friends the next day!

Your hangover must have been a doozy.

Your neighbors at Arena Crossings.

* Location: Arena Crossings Elevator at 3:00AM
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

OK Skater get 'em!!!!

Romance is in the air

Originally Posted: Fri, 27 Nov 11:47 PST
To the girl throwing up from her cab - m4w
Date: 2009-11-27, 11:47AM PST

You were discharging a Thanksgiving days feast worth of vittles and booze onto the pavement of Market while I cheered you on from the car behind yours. You played your part perfectly: encumbering the city with freshly minted aromas of regurgitated cranberry sauce and vodka. I played mine with equal grace, impregnating the vacant morning air with the clamorous hootings of a drunkard. It was a moment we shared that we will always have. They can never take that away from us.

Please don't ever change.

The Lurker's pet project gets updated

Check out the new Last Suppers added to the site. The collection continues to grow. If you have any that you don't see on the site send me a link please. 

Strange gets stranger

Yes I want to hire you!

Who wouldn't want to hire this guy? I mean he DOES have a blue screen of death behind him.

A favor to ask.

Hey Lurkerites,

The Lurker's dream for this blog is that it is everywhere and people are participating left and right. The Lurker wants to be your Friday night. A sad Friday night but a Friday night nonetheless.Do me two favors.

1. If you like the blog tell everyone they have to go to it otherwise you will come after them with vengeful grimaces. No not the kind from McDonalds. Write the address on restaurant tables with ketchup. Tattoo it on friends backs or enemies backs for that matter. Get the word out. 
   
2. Comment on this or other posts to let me know if you want more of the same or less of some stuff. It helps to let me know what is actually enjoyed. Also thanks to all those who have left comments before. They were read, printed out and put under my pillow to comfort the Lurker at night. 

Hopefully this doesn't come off to whiney but I really would like this to be good. 

With much appreciation lurking in my heart,

The Lurker

o-u-c-h!

I had no idea about this. This was Fox new's answer to the Daily Show. The Lurker finds a lot funny even when comedy picks on my political views or candidates. This has nothing to do with conservatism. It is just....whew...unfunny. It has the same feel of SNL on a really bad night. Here is the Wikipedia entry to read more.

Did anyone out there know this existed? 

I guess I should say enjoy?

As a computer teacher I understand this only too well

Need someone to post my pictures on youtube. (Chesterfield)
Date: 2010-04-08, 4:53PM EDT
Reply to: gigs-t9udy-1682827072@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Ok so I have a Disposable camera and it had like 20 or w/e photos on it so I took those photos and now I have to make it into a disk or something and somehow put it into my computer or something and load it on my myspace. Well by now you should get the point I have no idea to how to do that. I know it costs like $5 to turn it into a disk to put in the computer and I'll pay $10 along with the $5 for someone to help me get my photoes on the myspace.

* Location: Chesterfield
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $10



PostingID: 1682827072

That school sure is in a grind

Another news story about a dance. This time it is a school's attempt to stop grinding on the dance floor. It's a quick read that has some funny ideas but the Lurker likes one thing better than the content. The school's unfortunate name is Licking Valley school. Hopefully there will be food there so no one will be able to say after the prom "Hey do you want to eat out."

Yes I know it was a stretch but come on. It's called licking Valley...geez!

Now that's a commercial

This was a contest winner's commercial for a beer. Very good. 

Are you really that much of douche

Here is an addition to the story about the Lesbian girl who just wanted to go to the prom with her date but the school decided to not hold the prom because I guess she would infect them all. The second part of the story is that the ACLU helped her to force the school to not be bigoted and would either hold the prom or parents would have one for the students. The parents did just that but they held two proms. One for the "regular" kids and one for the lesbian student and the SPED kids. Now the lurker does not have anything against the kids of the school because most  kids in high school are pricks but the freakin parents. Wow way to go parents for setting an example for your kids to follow. If you don't agree with a philosophy of someone's just treat them like shit and that's OK. The Lurker bets they went to church that Sunday and said nope I did no sins. 

OK enough you can read the story here. 

sigh....

I'm sorry but are you startin' shit?

THE STATE JOURNAL-REGISTER
Posted Apr 07, 2010 @ 07:45 AM

A Springfield man was arrested for assault Monday evening after he allegedly threw his used colostomy bag at a nurse at Memorial Medical Center.

Dale D. Anderson, 62, of the 1000 block of South 11th Street was taken to Sangamon County Jail following the incident, which happened about 6 p.m. at the front desk of the emergency room.

Witnesses told police Anderson showed up at the hospital and wanted someone to check his colostomy bag because there was blood in it. He became angry when a nurse was unable to look at it. He then went into a bathroom, returned a short time later and threw the used colostomy bag at her, barely missing her. The bag landed on the floor, making a mess, witnesses said.

Police arrested Anderson at First and Carpenter streets.

Thanks Peter for the lovely addition. 

Time to break out the popcorn!

The other day the Lurker wondered what was coming out besides Kickass and Defendor. Here is a small list of what looks good to the lurker. 

• The Good, The Bad, The Weird - a nice blend of adventure in some strange deserty mad maxian sort of old west place. Should be seen on a big screen. Bring your goggles!
  
• Dinner for Schmucks - Looks somewhat entertaining
  
• Micmacs- Another cool and wonderfully strange movie from the person who brought you one of the Lurker's favorite, Amelie
  
• Best Worst Movie - A really fantastic looking documentary about what is called the worst movie ever, Troll 2. This looks great.
  
• Artois the Goat - A strange little film about goat cheese
  
• Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - I know you are gonna find this strange but Michael Cera is in a movie about a boy uncomfortable with love. No way you say. But here is the part the Lurker likes for some awesome reason he has to defeat her EVIL EX-BOYFRIENDS.....I know right. 
  
• Warlords - again an epic big fight asian movie. 
  
• Hey Hey It's Esther Blueburger - the next Billy Elliot. looks cut and fun
  
• Despicable Me - Animated looks cool
• Megamind - Also animated but need to see more. I like the fish

The fully sick rapper

OK you're stuck in an isolated hospital room with drug resistant tuberculosis for months and have experience with putting videos together so what are you to do. The Lurker guesses that you make a fairly epic video based on all your mad ravings plus all the movies you have watched recently.

Not a bad gig

Seriously of you want to be on a pretend sitcom this seems like it would be perfect. 

$16 per hour. Use your PR/Marketing skills to be my pretend girlfriend (san jose north)
Date: 2010-03-21, 5:28PM PDT
Reply to: job-zstkz-1654852190@craigslist.org 

My parents are coming to town and while here they will want to meet my girlfriend who I don't really have since I'm gay. Oh My. I need someone to play my girlfriend while they are in town. You will need to be quick on your feet, have a good sense of humor and the ability to roll with most conversations. I thought someone out there in the PR/marketing field might be perfect for this different but fun assignment!
They don't know much about you which will make this easier but they will expect you to be easy going and fun to be around. They will be in and out of town over the next few months so if you can pull this off, this could be a part time reoccuring role for you! You need to be cute, thin and between 25 and 35. I live in the Willow Glen neighborhood of San Jose and you'll need to be able to pop in or hang out and sometimes go to dinners and basically just have a good time. So the closer you live to San Jose the easier it will be on your travel time and the ability to just pop in. If you think you'd be interested in this please send me a recent photo, a description of yourself and please tell me why you'd like this job. Thanks, Ed


* Compensation: $16 per hour

are these hurtful?

This a lovely collection of "Your mama's so fat" jokes handed down through history. Check them out here. The Lurker promises you will get a cheap laugh or two. 

This may be the best book review ever

It's a pretty big book....