Monday, January 31

Grocery Rant and bitch session

The Lurker just came back from the grocery with store rage. There are basic rules that everyone knows but for some reason does not obey. If I don't get this out of my system it will rot inside of my mind like a disease organ riddled with worms.
Here they are.
  • Don't be a dick
  • Don't be a dick
  • Don't be a dick
  • Do not leave your cart in the middle of the aisle when browsing. It blocks others you fucknut.
  • If someone nicely waves you on to go ahead say thank you or at least acknowledge the nicety that has been done
  • When I or others wait for a handicapped person to go first do not go around me or I will kick your kneecap in
  • If you are a thousand years old pissant, that earlier were bitching about how kids have no respect at the local McDonald's with your retired cranky fellow pissants, then show others respect and not constantly cut off or stand in the middle like you are contemplating death. Set and example for others showing them it is not ok to be a bitch. Lead by example or I will take your life and eat your soul with nutella.
  • When I am behind you walking slowly do not keep checking if I am keeping my distance. I will not rape you if that is what you are worried about. I may bean you off the head with Ramen noodles if you do it again.
  • Do not ask me if I work here if I am wearing a sweat shirt and a skull and crossbones t-shirt. I do not know where shit is.  However if you ask politely I will help you get something down from a high shelf. Also no I am not a priest so stop asking (this has happened twice)
  • Do not eat food, gum, snacks and drop the packaging on the ground or I will come to your house and take a dump on your couch. Same goes for those that still empty their car ashtray in the parking lot. Butts are still trash you dick monger.. Yes, that means you mong dick
  • One last thing, not so much of a rule but just do it for the Lurker. If your body cannot be contained by the velvet half shirt you are wearing and instead of a muffin top you have what appears to be cake batter running over the pan onto the oven floor buy bigger clothes or some sort of giant suit. Your stressed fat makes me not want to eat again and I really need to get groceries.
  • Alright not really the last thing. Stop wearing sweat pants or pajamas to the grocery. I know it's a fashion thing but to me it means you have given up life and decided it was just too much Goddamn work to dress because everything else was filled with Doritio crumbs after all the nights of watching Dancing with the stars alone with your chihuahua. 
Alright I guess that's it. I really try to get to these places when they open so I don't feel this way but I missed the window today.

sigh, The Lurker feels slightly better.

Photo from the great and powerful people of wal-mart


  1. Unfortunately, the last two items are mutually exclusive as clothes that are not made of cotton jersey are usually out of my price range. Therefore, I choose to cover my fat rolls rather than banish the sweats/pajamas looking clothing.

    But I was with you right up to there.

  2. Um, correction. You ARE a pastor, so I can see why they assume you're a priest.