Wednesday, June 23

Chewbacca's girl

Enjoy this lovely little rant
My girlfriend won't shave her wookie cookie (Hawthorne)
Date: 2010-06-22, 4:44PM PDT

Ever since she started playing softball, things have gotten out-of-hand. At first, she wanted to go with the team and drink after the game. Then when her Chevy Cavalier broke down, she bought a Subaru. After the, that nasty "mold-spore-floating-in-the-jar-that-looks-like-a-fucking-jellyfish-from-hell" tea appeared in our living room, and continues to grow tendrils. I think I know where our missing cat went. Speaking of cat, she adopted a dog after the cat went missing.

I am not a dog person.

3 weeks ago she stopped shaving: pits, legs, cleft, all of it now covered with wiry hair. Seriously, her snatch looks like it's wearing a hat made from a Brillo pad. And bathing? Once a week, because "our bodies exude natural oils that keep us clean." All I know is, now our bed smells like a goat's wallow, her tea mold spore keeps trying to get out of the jar and go find insects to snap out of the air with it's reptilian tongue, and her snatch smells like the Historic Wharf down in Newport. Every time she sits on the floor he dog keeps following her around and trying to roll on her crotch like there is a dead opossum in her panties. The smell of her pits nearly brings tears to my eyes, but her softball friends just smile and tell me that they're proud of her and how she is "showing MEN that she cannot be held down by their oppressive trappings." Trappings like bathing? Furniture? (Yeah, she sold my living room furniture and bought bean bags and a hanging papasan chair.) Keeping the snatch under control? Seriously, the Wookie cookie she is growing grosses me out most of all, I keep expecting it to talk to me in a voice like the Cooking Monster. *shudder*

Help, please, anything to decontaminate my girlfriend and cast out this demonic hippie funk!
* Location: Hawthorne

No comments:

Post a Comment