Monday, November 30
The Lurker genuinely likes this president
If you didn't get a chance to see the pardoning of the Turkey this year then you missed out. After the eight year run of silting and painful speeches it was a true pleasure to watch a moment of fun with our commander in chief. However he is still does not measure up to the comedic genius of Sarah Palin. I mean who would think of pardoning one bird while having a background of death and feathers?
Are you freakin serious?
The Lurker watched that episode of South Park where everyone eats through their ass and coughs up shit through their mouth. If you haven't seen it you are missing out. Ok the premise of that show is strange I will admit but after all it is a cartoon. The I was surfing around and came across this wonderful tidbit from Urban Dictionary. The word is Slimming. What does it mean you ask? Here is the exact definition:
"Slimming" is the vaginal or anal insertion of a liquor (usually vodka) soaked tampon for the purpose of rapid intoxication.
Usually an attempt by a teenager to avoid detection of alcohol on their breath.
Usually an attempt by a teenager to avoid detection of alcohol on their breath.
Who in the hell thought this up? Now I know what you are saying it isn't real but still someone out there had to think of it.
Well now that you have read that definition you are just going to have to live with yourself and the thought that someone somewhere is shoving alcohol in their ass to avoid detection.
If this is you it may be time to reevaluate the whole life thing.
The Lurker skipped Black Friday and is happy
I am also happy that I missed Black Friday at Wal-mart. Turn your speakers down for the first seconds. The Lurker was quietly sleeping off a turkey coma and dreaming of sitting on Santa's lap. I heard his lap is comforting. It is purely platonic.
Sunday, November 29
Friday, November 27
Thursday, November 26
Happy Thanksgiving videos
The Lurker could not decide what would be best. I thought of Palin's Tday debacle and a bunch of others possibilities so instead I give you a few videos. Enjoy the day and eat well. Give thanks to the cook and maybe even the farmers.
I would watch this
Garfield's Thanksgiving. I despise the comic but thoroughly enjoyed the cartoon
Finally a Super Friends Thanksgiving. The Lurker could only suffer through the laugh track so much.
Wednesday, November 25
Science geekery and jokes
If you enjoy science then you will love this wonderful bit. There is some wonderful groaning pleasure coming.
Question for the Lurkerites
Recently the Lurker has been entranced by this song by Tullycraft. I have listened to a bunch of the band's stuff and really enjoy it but I need more. This is not high art stuff here. It is just good enjoyable sounds with fun lyrics. Is there a band that sounds similar to this that you really enjoy? Please leave a comment for the lurker letting me know.
 | Tullycraft - Bored to Hear Your Heart Still Breaks |  |
 | ||
 | Found at skreemr.com |  |
Oh yes also check out this other Tullycraft song if you dislike twilight
Sweet Sweet insectoid death-trap
The Lurker believes there must be a lurkerite in the Baton Rouge area that needs this.
Date: 2009-11-02, 2:52PM CST
Reply to: sale-kkewf-1448453801@craigslist.org
Full of supposed "Russian" bees that have escaped from Gardere, or so i have been told. Attempt at removal resulted in numerous bee stings for unprepared beekeeper. I'm sure the hive is brimming with delicious sweet and sticky honey, but i'm not putting my hands in that insectoid death-trap. If you are championing an effort to save the bee population of the world, this is you getting your foot in the door with your very own beehive! If you are still asking yourself why you would need said beehive, here's what you could be doing with your very own beehive: getting stung, eating honey, making candles, playing baseball, going to the hospital, and being a cop. When you arrive to take the beehive, I won't be there. By agreeing to take the beehive you have entered into a contract that states that i am not responsible for the outcome of your actions. Still interested?, we have pictures!
What's missing from Thanksgiving?
Alton Brown is one of the Lurker's favorites and follows his directions for cooking the turkey. Here he is answering a rather great question about the big day.
Tuesday, November 24
Thanksgiving for Dummies
The Lurker is not a fan of this series or anything that calls someone an idiot for not knowing something. This has to be the stupidest product out there.
Infectious romance
This Craigslist ad is so romantic it makes the lurker itch for joy.Date: 2009-11-20, 1:05PM CST
you have dark curly hair, you're slim, you were wearing a white tank top and blue jeans. I was seated in front of you, facing you and I was wearing all black, had a coffee and a magazine in my hand. I'm a fool for not introducing myself to you...if you find this shoot me an email
Monday, November 23
Politics and Music
What a combo. The Lurker always enjoys this sort of remixing of famous personalities.
Sunday, November 22
How do you make Knight Rider better?
Watch it in spanish of course. The voice overs are incredible. Do not miss the sound effects either.
Saturday, November 21
Friday, November 20
No it is not Ironic. It is just sad.
All fanny packs should be outlawed plain and simple. They look awful. People are not Kangaroos. The same needs to be said for the new horrible hipster hat. Neon colors and a fanny pack built into a cap create this mutant offspring of fanny packs and people obsessed with hats. Unfortunately all the people pictured are wearing it in a hipster ironic way.
No the Lurker puts his foot down. People take action. Find these abusers of fashion and remove their dreaded caps.
This is a call to action!!
Thanks to steph for making the lurker aware of this eyesore
Simple but great idea
The idea: Attach a fake starbucks cup to your car with a magnet and drive around and twitter people's reactions. Check the twitter here. The Lurker loves anything like this. Next I foresee a real looking baby in a car seat.
He seems pissy
The only thing I really remember about Andrew Dice Clay is that Miles, a friend of mine got one of his albums and we listened to it while his mom was out. None of the jokes were memorable but there was an old couple who got up and left during his act. He asked why? And she replied that "you are about as funny as a bottle of milk!" The Lurker has always loved that line. So here in the same spirit is Mr. Clay being just as awesome.
I learned it from watching it from you
The Lurker came across this recently and thought he would relate this strange little anecdote. First here is an article talking about peeing in compost heaps. It is both good for your environment and better for the compost and your garden.
A while back I mentioned that I had been an environmentalist just because I had been peeing in the shower for a long time. Ya going green!! Unfortunately our youngest cat. Oh yes his name is no longer Jiji. It is Sprout because we got him at a farmer's market. Anyway he is in the exploring the whole house phase and using his new abilities to jump higher to see new places. The other day I just got out of the shower and little sprout jumped in. This is not unusual because he likes to lick the moisture off the walls. No I do not do that. Suddenly Mrs. Lurker yelled and she told me that Sprout was saving the environment as well. She said he had learned it from watching me.
Now we have to block the bathroom in hopes of breaking him from going to green.
Thursday, November 19
Oh my lord...of videos games
Update:It is an ad for a new video game called Dante's Inferno. The Lurker must give them respect for putting together a nice ad campaign.
Can't be real, right? right? Tomorrow is the 20th and that is the pre-order date. Hopefully the Lurker will find out more. Has to be a hoax, right?
Get ye to a college
Just a reminder. If you can head to a major college and grab some copies of The Origin Of Species. Then tear out the intro. sounds great to the lurker.
Protection of Marriage in texas is GAY
The Lurker has no issue with anyone getting married. It does not affect him or anyone else. Who cares? Well to name someone that does care or more to the point a state that does care is Texas. They do not want them homos to be gettin' married by gawd. Well according to one site they put it in the law good and propa' and stopped all gays getting maried. Oh yes, small tiny almost insignifigant extra wording. They added a clause that essentially bans all marriage. When I say all marriage I mean ALL as in gay, straight, any other choices out there. Here read the whole article. The Lurker could not be more with this. I dearly hope it is challenge and forces all marriages in the state of Texas to be null and void.
....ahhhh satisfaction.....
Who in the hell is the Fonz?
Seriously I love the idea of kids watching this saying who are these freakin people.
Don't give up too soon. There is a lovely song.
Shoo! get away!
The Lurker just read this story and it just makes him laugh thinking about it. Essentially a 13 year old tried propositioning a prostitute. The pro turned out to be a cop. In the article she(the cop) talks about trying to shoo him away. Just kind of awesome to think about.
The brain boggles
Now I know I will get emails about how this may be fake vut seriously who cares. If you are strange enough to actually post this it doesn't matter.
Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT
I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.
I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.
I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.
I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.
A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.
Please supply your own footwear.
The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.
DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.
Wednesday, November 18
I guess there is a heaven
Yesterday the Lurker did not see Jesus but he did see another soul from heaven.
So hard to breathe from laughing
Would-be Seattle ninja impaled on fence
From the Associated Press
SEATTLE -- Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.
Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.
Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.
His name was not released
UPS
Recently Mrs. Lurker and I have been discussing joining a gym. This of course prompted the Lurker to find something entertaining on gyms. I came across John Pinette doing a great standup bit on exercise. His is one of the greats that makes you laugh everytime.
Tuesday, November 17
Check em out
The Lurker has mentioned the band Ludlow Lions before. Well they are on the grand tour of states. They will be in far flung places like Kentucky, Home of the chicken, to Indiana, Home of Uno's, and other fascinating places. Head to the site to see a much better list then I am giving you to see if they coming to a town near you. Also grab their album while you are there. Plus you can see the rather creepy new image.
This may take the sting out
This is a plea to all artists....get crackin on this.
First off what is this? Well the famous movie Night of the Living Dead is being animated by all sorts of artists. Watch the video for the rules. Also click here to see the project and how far it has gotten.
Why does the Lurker care? Well when the Lurker was 4 or 5 I was staying with my father. The Lurker's dad dropped him off at daycare. It was a place for all of ages of kids to go to. They would play games or rent movies. The movies are what I remember most as you will see. One of the people running this place came back and said to all the kids I am very sorry but they did not have the movie they were going to watch. The first pick of movies was King Kong. I don't think that is really age appropriate but who cares because the second pick was Night of the Living Dead. All other movies pale in comparison to the amount of imagination you are forced to use with that movie. It is all there playing out inside your brain. It was too bad my brain was only 4 years old and those images were then stabbed into it. Anyway the nightmare have since receded and I have come more to terms with that classic. It also helped to here George Romero on Wait Wait Don't tell Me. The Lurker must take his hat off to that singular director. It really is a great movie. Anyway please if you have the skill participate in the project.
Monday, November 16
Challenge the Lurker: MuffinTops
A week ago The Lurker was challenged to find all he could with the subject of Muffitops. Oh muffintops the great and wondrous fashion choice of the wal-mart crowd. A fashion no-no at the best of times. Below is the list of everything I could find.
It seems that there are only two real solutions for the battle of the bulge. Wear looser pants or my personal favorite walk on your hands.
This is the video that started Jon thinking about muffintops. The Lurker has never seen this show but he enjoyed most of this.
- The Urban Dictionary definition of MuffinTop
- Muffintop ala Batman
- A song called MuffinTop
- Advice from Yahoo Answers about Muffin Tops. (Amber D's answer makes the most sense)
- A wonderful T-shirt to hide your muffintop
- Great commercial for Lifesavers
- A device for only baking Muffintops
- Only the shadow knows about her bulge
- Muffin Huntin - a site devoted to pics of the not so elusive Muffintop
- A guide to the different flavors of Muffintops
- A curiously creepy cartoon
- Only half way stand up routine
- Way too much info
- Another song about Muffintops
- Manly airbrushed bulges
- You are doing it wrong
- If you are petite and feeling left out try here
- The very best muffintop pic of them all
| Noelle & John - The Muffin Man | |
| | ||
| Found at skreemr.com | |
I see you
The Lurker thought people couldn't be stranger and then he is proven wrong yet again.
Date: 2009-11-15, 8:47PM EST
Reply To This Post
let me hide in the closet and watch while you do it. have him over and end it while I spy on the whole thing.
* Location: real - seriously
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1467699317
An ankle of a titan
The other day I had just heard of a remake of the movie Clash of the Titans. At that exact time I heard a crash from the room with the toys. There lie Pegasus. His ankle broken. You might say who cares but I have had that horse since the original movie came out. The other figures I have since re-bought but I always kept good ole pegasus. Perseus was flushed down in the boys room by a bully who after taking my figure away beat me up. Unfortunately Calibos was borrowed along with my AT-AT at the renaissance fair that I worked at as a kid. He never brought it back. Oh well. Anyway now that you know the sad and rather pathetic history check out the new trailer for the reimagined great movie.
...sigh...
Sunday, November 15
Friday, November 13
Dr Fever is live and in charge
One of our Lurkerites is live on the radio right now. He does a radio show once a week. I think. He should put a plug in for the lurker but I understand.
He does know best. He is a Doctor after all. Check out Doctor Nick here from 2-4 today.
Um ya he is not a real doctor...
J. Jonah Jameson must be so damn happy right now
Here might be one of the very best photos ever. It is from a story about a Spider-Man impersonator going to jail. I like that it is an impersonator and not the real one. How do they know? maybe he is a clone?
You say it's not funny so why are you laughing
Several weeks ago there was the story of a Cheerleader who got the Swine Flu shot and it trigger an extremely rare disease. Now when the Lurker watched the original one he felt sympathy for this poor woman. Thankfully she is getting better. The whole thing with her that makes this super strange is that she can run backwards fine and all her symptoms disappear but forward or at rest she is severely disabled. You can watch the original here and her video of how she is doing here.
So why is the Lurker talking about this you ask? Well within days there was a remixed version that makes you laugh out loud (no acronyms for me) and then quickly look around to make sure no one saw you laughing at this woman. She's doing better so go ahead get a cheap laugh out of it. Life is short so enjoy!!
now that is a specific ad
Who doesn't like fried everything? I should have ended that statement with a period.
Date: 2009-11-11, 11:16AM PST
Reply To This Post
I enjoy eating fried/fatty/bad foods. Lately, through conversations with people of the female variety, I have come to discover that many women also enjoy eating the same type of foods when they are on their periods.
Here's what I am looking for: Four female friends (maybe five depending on how long the menstrual cycle lasts) to eat lunch/dinner with. Your cycles should all be offset, although I will allow a little bit of overlap. The applicants must not be friends nor live together, otherwise there is a possibility of the menstrual cycles synching up, thus ruining my plan and costing me a meal buddy for a period.
Foods I enjoy: Fried Chicken (Popeye's over KFC, but it's all good), Chili and Chili on stuff (Tommy's is awesome), Breakfast at all times of the day, Gravy, Carne Asada Fries (French fries covered in guacamole, salsa, sour cream, and carne asada), Chimichangas, and practically anything else that people claim could cause heart attacks or strokes.
About myself: Contrary to what you would think, I am not overweight. 5'6 and around 130lbs. I eat constantly and I'm convince I have a tape worm. His name is George.
Applicants: A little bio would be nice, but I definitely need to know what time of the month you usually have your menstrual cycle, and list the types of foods you usually have cravings for.
* Location: Costa Mesa
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1461462711
Revised Plan
So to all the Lurkerites in the Providence area. We are heading to the Found Footage Film Festival at the Cable Car. If you have never been it is one of the coolest places to see a movies. Nice big couches to sit in and great carrot cake to munch on. I decided to check in on the FFF site and see what is going on. The Lurker came across this wonderful blog entry about the FFF duo staying at a lovely motel. Give it a read. I laughed several times.
Hope to see some Lurkerites there tonight. Here is a gem from FFF.
Below is what will be showed tonight.
A celebration of odd and hilarious found videos. The Found Footage Festival is a one-of-a-kind event showcasing videos found at garage sales and thrift stores and in warehouses and dumpsters throughout the country. Curators Pickett and Prueher host each screening in-person and provide their unique observations and commentary on these found video obscurities. From the curiously-produced industrial training video to the forsaken home movie donated to Goodwill, the Found Footage Festival resurrects these forgotten treasures and serves them up in a lively celebration of all things found. Among the new clips to be featured in the 2009-2010 program: -A collection of the worst Saturday morning cartoons ever to turn up on VHS -Highlights from a 1987 video dating reel found by David Cross -A home movie from a forgettable heavy metal festival in suburban Washington, D.C. -A brand-new compilation of exercise videos featuring Dolph Lundgren, Milton Berle, and WWF’s The Bushwhackers
PS I am dosing myself with caffeine and migraine drugs trying to stave off an oncoming episode because of the wonderful weather. Come hell or high water the Lurker shall be there tonight.
Thursday, November 12
I love this world
Man accused of defecating in CVS
An Iowa City man has been accused of defecating in a pharmacy Friday.According to criminal complaints, Robert E. Lee, 57, of 1902 H St., entered the CVS pharmacy, 2425 Muscatine Ave. at 4:17 p.m. Police said Lee walked to the front area of the store, lifted up his shirt, dropped his pants and defecated on the floor before walking out.
When police talked with Lee, they said he smelled of alcohol, had unsteady balance and his speech was slurred. He had a blood-alcohol content of .24, three times the state's legal limit.
Lee was charged with fifth-degree criminal mischief and public intoxication, both simple misdemeanors.
A man who identified himself as Robert answered the phone at the number listed for 1902 H St. but said he was not Robert Lee.
Just beat it
The Lurker is a sucker for any music with xylophone like music in it. Ping ping ping...Well anyway here a fantastic version of Beat it.
The gauntlet has been thrown down
Yesterday the Lurker received an important message from a long time listener first time caller. He said that the Lurker should offer a service where someone tells a specific topic and I research it for a Volume called ask the Lurker. I wanted something catchier but I am operating on low caffeine. Anyway the first challenge has been dropped at the feet of the Lurker and he is currently searching out anything to do with MuffinTops or Midriffs. Yes that is what John wanted. Here at Lurker industries we are thinking John is a bit strange. I like to pretend I am a whole company and command a staff in front of screens with flashing lights. Yes flashing lights. maybe even the occasional beep.
BTW that picture is not John. It is however vaguely similar.
The Lurker is doing the research now.
So why am I telling all of you this.
So what do I want from you? The Lurker wants you to leave a comment of what you think the next challenge should be. Also leave a better name for this. If you don't leave a comment The Lurker will come to your house and eat all your cookies until you tell him. Even the crappy ones
A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL
Does it really get better than this. The Lurker must see this movie!!!!
Darwin Day Cometh! I think
November 21 2009 is set to be Darwin day and one of Darwin's greatest believers is going to be giving away free, yes free, copies of Origin of a Species a few days earlier on the 19th. Who is this leader of the intelligencia you ask? Well of course the answer can only be Kirk Cameron. He is one the smartest....wait...what...huh...WTF!!!!???? Kirk Fucking Cameron. Hold up here something is wrong. Is the Lurker in some strange alternate universe? No I am not wearing codorouy and as we all now that would be the sign of an alternate universe. Ok so what is going on? Here is a video explaining all this.
Gosh I love how he sits backwards in his chair. Boy I feel relaxed with him. Whew! much better Kirk is of course on the side of the nut job creationists. Ok all is right in the world. This site here is telling people to gobble up as many of these pseudo copies and tear out the crap intro. (check that post out) The Lurker backs this idea and supports everyone reading this nice copy.
There is a bit of confusion here. February 12th is normally Darwin Day but published on Thursday 24 November is the actual day of the published book. The Lurker has no freakin idea why there seem to be so many different dates. Who cares just know that the 19th is the book giveaway.
Here is another video explaining why faith is retarded. No don't get angry. That's the name of the video. Stop being such a bitch.
Tuesday, November 10
Better late than never
Here is the sideshow for the Halloween Party. The Lurker ended up being James Dean just so he could get all bloody. I believe a good time was had by all. There was enough food for a feast.
Loco for Jesus
Since the Lurker gave you a semi serious video today I figured I might as well give you something awesome and funny. This video from FFF really has made me change my ways. I guess I mostly don't listen to pearl Jam anymore.
Palin is the very best
Not only does she talk about death panels but now she has a conspiracy theory about our coins and the In God we trust being moved to the outer edge. How will she top this?
A short movie that will stay with you for a long time
When the Lurker was wee and would watch almost anything I stumbled across this really fantastic short on HBO. They used to do this sort of great stuff all the time. It is a wonder it was made at all. Anyway it is a Ray Bradbury short story made into a movie about a planet that rains almost constantly. A young girl believes it will be sunny and is treated rather poorly. As a kid who was always small with a big mouth and was beat up a lot this movie meant something very special to me. I know the quality is kind of poor but it really is a nice movie. I also love the sound effects for the futuristic equipment. One of them is the sound effect of Pac-Man dying.
Here is the first part.
Monday, November 9
Never trust a crowd they have no iDeer
Saturday, November 7
Friday, November 6
Glenn Beck please go back to your planet
If you have been reading this dear lurkerites than you know how I feel about the great Glenn Beck. He is not a waste of space because that would frankly only lend credence to him. Instead I find him to be a black hole of reason and sanity. He sucks it all up and twists it around and spits out something dark and horrible but awesome in its grandeur. This link is to a daily show clip that may very well be one of the best. It is Jon Stewart paroding Beck for 8 minutes. It is wondrous.
Also below for your entertainment is the Onion. I tend to believe the Onion more than Beck because it at least appears to be sane......Enjoy!!!
Apparently Peter Parker has converted
This is as big as the mary in grilled cheese. If you Christians get to have weird stuff us jews want ridiculous signs as well. Spider spins a star of david.....next he will do a dreidel
Scared people are far scarier
Really!?! You need this?
So in the middle of a horrible nightmare about killer bunnies you blow your wife away.
Take your Shotgun (loaded mind you) out of the fuckin' corner!!!! are you high?
Thursday, November 5
The Lurker has always been a lucky person. I always figured it was just a roll of the dice and I seemed to get a result that seemed to work out in the end. Instead now I find out I am using some unknown adaptive trait. Here is a great study and an interesting story on luck. Best of all if you believe you are unlucky there are things you can do to change those outcomes.
Really it is a very good read.
I couldn't find a good pic that represented luck so here is a rodent. Isn't he cute?
Welcome back to the Uncharted Zone
The Lurker has had this guy on before and he is just magnificently bad. Every-time I watch it I am forced to stare at his bandaid. What the hell man just rip it off.
The Lurker is part of your Facebook
If you would like to be a fan of this page come one board and check it out. Essentially it is just the links put through to FB. Enjoy
and so it begins....
Have you watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies? I mean all five not the two early ones they always play on TV. The reason that the apes took over was started because of a sickness of our pets. The quick breakdown is this. Dogs and cats get sick and die in record numbers. To placate our need for pets of the furried kind we enlist apes. Over time we train them in simple tasks. Then the revolution comes and we as a people go down the drain. So why am I rattling on you say? Well the first case of a cat getting Swine flu has been recorded. Which brings me to the beginning of this. When they all die out will you be getting an ape? The Lurker will stand up against the oncoming simian armada by not getting one. I will be getting a hairless bear instead. I am sure they won't eventually attack us. Plus they are so damn cute to boot.
Wednesday, November 4
True or not this is damn funny
The Lurker read through this and found himself giggling like a stoned schoolgirl. They paint a wonderful scene with the short story. Check it out and enjoy.
We've all been there
Police: Man made up knife attack to miss work
(AP) – 10 hours ago
EDGEWATER, Colo. — Police in the Denver suburb of Edgewater say a man stabbed himself, then said he was attacked by three men dressed in black who were either Hispanic or skinheads, in a ploy to miss work.
Twenty-nine-year-old Aaron Siebers was arrested after police say he admitted making up the assault and said he was responsible for the knife wound to his leg and other superficial cuts on his body. He faces charges of false reporting and obstructing a police officer.
Police say Siebers reported the attack Monday to the video store where he works. The reported assault drew five police agencies to the scene, along with K-9 units.
Police spokesman Steve Davis says Siebers admitted the story was a lie after repeated questioning from detectives.
Information from: The Denver Post, http://www.denverpost.com
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